Powerless

 

I had always thought it was cheesy when people said that your views change once you have a child. I’ve always wanted to be this totally cool mom (whatever that means…). The events of this week have proven me wrong once again. How can I really ignore that I am a mom and remain unaffected?

Had I not been a mom would it possibly pass just like another week with bad news and good news to be digested via Twitter? Maybe. But the result of the Zimmerman trial coupled with the death of the lead actor from Glee Cory Monteith affected me greatly.

It was easy to digest Amy Winehouse’s death. Not that anyone deserves to die from overdose, but I already had this image of this uncontrollable and tortured rockstar that would be prone to that. So no surprise. However, with Cory Monteith was different. While I knew he had been in rehab, it is a consensus he was a good kid with a drug problem. That message hit home real fast. Of course, he had a troubled upbringing, of course it proves to us once and once again that your childhood can shape who we will become and that places a burden in every parent. However, what this story really told me is how powerless addicts are. It is not a battle of will or a matter of self-control, it’s a condition. It is difficult to explain how a kid that has a loving girlfriend, friends, family (again not that adjusted) a show that is doing well, fame and money still needs to recur to drugs for his comfort? Because it is not a matter of wanting it or not, it is a disease. For me what really is scary about this is knowing that your kid that has always been adjusted (not his case though) can one day turn to drugs for curiosity or to fit in and end up a drug addict with no free will. To that end, in thesis, Cory could be anyone’s kid!

The result of the Zimmerman trial gave rise to the same powerless feeling. Trayvon Martin could be your kid walking down the street with a bag of skittles when a vigilante profiles him and decides he is dangerous and goes after him. I am not going into the debate here around gun control and racial profiling, etc. I have very clear views on that and in my book George Zimmerman is guilty of starting a chain of events that led to death. Nevertheless,  this is not what I want to talk about. What I want to highlight is how fragile life is. And how sometimes there is absolutely nothing a parent can do to protect his/her kids.

In the end, it boils down to: how can I ensure my daughter is safe? How can I ensure I give her all she needs, that I’m always her safe harbor so that she will never ever have to resort to a crazy trip of drugs to feel happy, loved and safe? How can I ensure she is not fruit of a huge injustice? I know that a happy childhood helps greatly, but it is certainly not enough. And because of the realization that I don’t have all the answers and that the future is uncertain and uncontrollable, this became a gloomy and dim week for me as a mom.